I read a post from an artist that I admire. I appreciate her even more for talking about the subject that we are taught not to voice. We hear from society that if we talk about what bothers us, we are seeking drama, we are weak, and drain those around us with our neediness.
She spoke of her depression that she has recognized since adolescent. Her painting in no way are a mirror of her sadness and they are full of beautiful brilliant colors, light, and happy.
I read that we can help escape from our imposed prison through our creativity. Painting, writing, gardening, what ever you feel drawn to. I am not a very good painter, and I decided that it would not be the critique of my flower, but the colors that I chose, and the colors that lifted my earthbound spirit into a ethereal smile. I went from the birdhouse, to a beehive, and then to a chair,
and yes, I smile each time I look at them.
As I read her post I began to realize that my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness were not so unique.
What I find hardest about my depression is the coping. I fight the urge to withdraw, but I convince myself that it is the healthy choice. I had some one tell me to snap our of it. I asked how?
I can be self confident, but then falter into the depths of insecurity by one cold encounter. I have a voice that tells me it is me, that there is something wrong with me. I then start on the march of self-sabotage.
When I allow the gentle voice of wisdom to speak, she says that it is me. It is my choice of what to believe and how to respond. Today I decided to journal, to be in touch with how I feel. My way of coping is to pretend that it doesn’t exist,
so I never really work through it, and it keeps taunting me.
Our feelings are real, our suffering is the result, but what I am going to accomplish is to recognize all my crazy thoughts. It will be the ground that I will water with my tears, and allow the beauty to emerge. I will focus on my good thoughts, and healthy thoughts as a lily pushing through the soil, and nourish it with the love and understanding that only I can give to myself.
Please feel free to walk on this journey with me. We are all one, we are never alone.